The Conscious Classroom

Improving Friendship

July 07, 2020 Amy Edelstein Season 1 Episode 17
The Conscious Classroom
Improving Friendship
Show Notes Transcript

Good relationships with adults and peers help teens navigate mental and emotional challenges more effectively than any other intervention. Friendships gone sour can snuff out the light of enthusiasm in an adolescent. How do we help our teens learn the art and science of friendship? In this Conscious Classroom episode, Amy Edelstein will map the cartography of friendship. She will guide you in mindful awareness practices you can use with your students to help them learn how to be better friends to themselves and to others. You will also learn some of the Inner Strength tools that we use in our classrooms to help students identify those qualities that are important in a friendship and strengthen those traits in themselves.

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Welcome to the conscious classroom podcast, where we're exploring tools and perspectives that support educators and anyone who works with teens to create more conscious, supportive, and enriching learning environments. I'm your host Amy Edelstein, and I'll be sharing transformative insights and easy to implement classroom supports that are all drawn from mindful awareness and systems thinking the themes we'll discuss are designed to improve your own joy and fulfillment in your work and increase your impact on the world we share.

Let's get on with this next episode.

Welcome to the conscious classroom. My name is Amy Edelstein. And in this episode, we're gonna talk about improving friendships. Good relationships are invaluable and good relationships for teens can make all the difference for their experience in high school and also for their whole life trajectory.

Good relationship, both with adults and with peers during times of challenge or distress. Help teens navigate mental and emotional concerns and more than anything else, more than any other factor, good relationships can make the difference in those who are able to overcome the effects of a traumatic experience and those who suffer the lifelong impact of those traumatic experiences.

Friendships are very important. And yet teens, these days often face confusing cues, our social media likes and followers, a real indication of the quality of your friendships. Are they a real indication of your likability? Of course not real relationships are very different than social media followers and fans.

And yet teens often judge themselves and judge the quality of their friendship based on online interactions. It's so important that as educators and role models for the students we work with, we help teach them what it's like to be a good friend. What are the qualities of friendship? How do we notice and assess those qualities and how do we work to improve our friendship?

How do we. Really learn to identify those areas of life and those inner qualities that help us feel more fulfilled in our friendships and help us be better friends to those we care about in the inner strength system. One of the lessons is directly about cultivating and improving friendship. One of the activities I like to do with the teens that I work with is break them into small groups, usually three or four per group.

And I ask them about the qualities that build good friendships, each group discusses. And then we have one of the group members come to the front of the class. And report objectively on all the qualities they came up with. The reason why we have an individual from each group come to the front of the class and report is because it gives everyone in the room, an indication that these qualities are more universal than specific.

And it helps them when they hear their peers and they see their peers valuing the same qualities or similar qualities, or exposing them to new qualities of friendship. It helps them want to develop qualities like that. See their importance and feel a sense of connection and appreciation with each other.

In almost every group I'll hear qualities like respect and trust. And then other qualities like likability, having fun arise, things that the teens almost always list are being a good listener. Being faithful, being generous, not being selfish, being encouraging, keeping your confidence, being honest, forgiving.

The more qualities we get up on the board in front of us, a picture starts to merge of what a strong friendship looks like. It doesn't look like any one thing. And often the qualities are mutually supportive of each other, but you really do start to see the pillars of friendship. Students can then do a reflective exercise writing about a good friend.

What they notice what they care about, what they love, why they feel like they care about that friend and they enjoy being friends with them. And then I like to invite the students to really reflect on themselves to really consider what kind of friend are they to their friends? Do they embody the qualities that they would expect in return?

I ask them. What does it mean to be the best friend you can be? What does it mean to be reliable? Can you hold yourself to the highest standard in all of your friendships? And I explained to the students that when they hold themselves to high standard in their own friendships, it builds a foundation where they know they're trustworthy, where they know that they're reliable.

Where they know that they're generous and where they know that they extend their good qualities and they can draw strength from that, regardless of what happens in the friendship. So even if something happens in the friendship and they grow apart, or their friend moves away, they know that they've built the qualities of a good friend and those qualities are there for themselves.

And that's a very powerful experience for teens

to be able to improve friendships. One of the ways I have students begin is by learning how to be their own best friends by building their own inner environment of love and kindness and ease. Being their own best friend really creates an inner environment of love and kindness and ease. Here's a guided visualization or exercise that you can do with your students.

Let's try it now while being your own best friend, sit in your best contemplative posture with your back tall, your feet flat on the floor. And when you hear the bell, take one or two. Slow and easy breaths.

Allow your breath to slow down your experience and open your inner gaze

to begin to think about. The kind of support that you enjoy. What do you feel? You need this from a friend, especially at this specific moment. Do you need companionship? Do you wanna have fun? Do you wanna be understood? Do you wanna do creative things together?

Do you need a Danita? Listen. Do you need a shoulder,

let yourself reflect,

let yourself sink into yourself.

And now imagine that you could have a twin of yourself, an exact twin. Who understood even before you did exactly what kind of support you wanted,

imagine that that twin knew everything about, you could feel what you were feeling sense, what you were needing even before you could really see that. Now imagine that twin of yourself was sitting next to you or across from you. And imagine that twin was sending you the exact kind of friendship that you needed and were craving at this specific moment.

Imagine

that twin was sending you understanding affection. Encouragement

recognition, compliments

supports.

And now begin to bring your attention back. And when you hear the bell, you can bring your attention into the room. Again, noticing the

sounds around you.

Now notice how you're feeling. Is there a smile on your face? Is there softness in your heart? Are your hands UN, clenched and more relaxed? Notice how these kinds of visualizations can really change or experience and attitude and mood.

I encourage you to practice this yourself. Oftentimes we feel exhausted at the end of a day of teaching. And before we head home to our families and friends, practice being your own best friend, and really use this with your teens. It's one that can help them feel supported and nourished. One of the things that teens often ask me is what do you do if you and your friends change?

Adolescence is a time when teens are individuating, they're discovering their own, loves their own activities. And they often change from their friends, the kids they were closest to in grade school, growing.

It's important to help teens realize that they don't need to be the same as their friends. They don't have to like doing the same things. And as they get older and as interests differ and diverge, they may not spend as much time together with the students. They were closest to. With the kids, the other kids, they were closest to in their younger years, but very important to teach them how to be true to the friendship that was there to them, memories, the fun, the loyalty, the shared experience, what they loved about their friends and encourage them to keep that love and affection in their.

Teach them to expand their circle of friends and to let people change periods of distance are okay. We all need to grow in different ways and become ourselves most important is to value and cherish the good years that they spent and to hold a place in their hearts for that friend, chances are, if they do that.

In 20, 30, even 40 years, when they meet up with that old friend who they might have become distant with in high school, they still feel that same affection and camaraderie and appreciation and care. The other thing students ask is what do you do when you fight with your friend? How do you make up?

Especially if your friend did wrong. These are important issues that you wanna talk about and give your students time to talk with each other about them to really come to terms with the challenges, the work, it takes the effort to be a good friend. You're teaching them skills that are gonna help them in, in their marriages.

If they choose to partner up, when they get older in their jobs. In their lifelong relationships, being able to work out these tenacious and difficult issues in their younger years, gives them a confidence that when things are hard, when they have periods of discord, they'll be able to handle it. They'll be able to find their way through.

I encourage students to contemplate forgiveness and what that really means.  because an individual may have done wrong to them. And especially if that wrong was intentional, you don't wanna encourage them to forgive intentional harm or intentional disrespect. Forgiveness means holding space in yourself for the other to change.

Not assuming that they'll always be that way or they won't see the errors of their ways and want to make amends forgiveness is also accepting that that event happened. We can't undo it and letting go of the anger and resentment that's in the present, the anger and resentment that makes. That student continue to feel bad, continue to experience pain.

What happened may have been wrong and it hurt. And that hurt takes time to heal. Forgiveness means that you allow yourself to accept what happened and let go of ongoing pain and resent. Again, forgiveness doesn't mean condoning another's wrongdoing or not seeking justice or apology a man's, but it means letting go of the anger that can consume a teen and undermine all of their other relationships, their enjoyment of school and activities.

It can consume them in a way that's very destructive to their own wellbeing. And we wanna teach them how to let that go. It can also help to teach teens to see if there was anything that they did as part of that situation that also caused hurt and pain. Even if they feel justified, teaching them to see their own mistakes or how they were unskillful and learn from them.

Learning to be honest with themselves so that they're not overlooking or justifying bad behavior on their own part because of what was done for them. But they're able to see their own ways that they can grow and become kinder people. And when they grow and become kinder people, then they are more able to see that their friend can also grow and make amends.

And change. Let's do a short meditation on this that will enable students to self reflect. And let's try this one together. See, come into your mindfulness posture with your spine tall and your feet flat on the floor and use the bell to focus.

Now remember a situation where you might have done something that your friend took offense to something they felt hurt by. Something you said or did or something you didn't do that they were counting on.

Maybe you feel justified. Let's practice shifting our perspective, widening what's in our field of awareness. Think about the situation. Without assuming that either you or your friend was right or wrong, do your best to simply sit with what happened,

expand the space around the event,

where there are other people there. Can you look at the situation? Through their eyes. What did they see?

Are there new details that you're noticing by seeing what else was happening in the environment around you?

How many people were there? Were you inside or outside? Was there noise and distraction.

Where was your friend coming from? What was he or she feeling that day? Were they, was he or she in a good mood or a bad mood?

Was your friend paying attention or distracted?

Take a deep breath in and a deep breath out.

Notice what's happening in your body. Are your hands a little clenched? Can you soften your face? Allow the muscles of your cheeks to relax

on your next in breath. Can you let your belly soften

now recall what you said that your friend took offense to. Could you have been more skillful?

Could you have said it in a different way? Could you have waited for a different time

without judging your friend or excusing anything your friend might have done to irritate you just notice in your own. Speech and action. Could you have been a little more skillful, a little more kind. What

would that look like now? Put your attention back on your breath.

With the inhalation and exhalation softening the muscles of your face, softening the area around your heart, letting your fingers and palms release the tension.

That's there.

Now ask yourself, is there anything you wanna say to your friend or do for your friend or show your friend? That you see that you could have been more skillful.

If you don't need to say anything, can you allow yourself to let go of that experience? Let go of any self criticism, let go of any sense that you need to do anything different.

Can you allow yourself to accept that you've seen how you can be more skillful and that you'll put that into action in the future. That your own reflection is allowing you to change from the inside out.

Now you

can bring your attention back and when you hear the bell, we can finish.

One of the ways that we improve friendship is through our gratitude. As we see and acknowledge what our friends do for us. We improve our feelings of closeness and intimacy. We improve our sense of appreciation. Being grateful is an interesting action and attitude because being grateful, supports friendship, it supports our own happiness and wellbeing.

And it makes us appreciate the good things in life more, which makes us feel more grateful.

We can be grateful for large things or small things. What does your good friend do for you? How does that make you feel

when we. Appreciate what our friends do for us. It does make us happier. Those positive emotions increase our sense of energy and creativity possibility,

and those positive qualities help us feel closer and they make us better friends. Positive emotions are also linked to better physical health, including lower blood pressure and stronger immune systems. So it's good all the way around. Let's do this final exercise. This is one that you can do with your teens

and bring yourself into a seated position. With your feet flat on the floor and use the BELE to focus you and allow you to settle and center.

Take a moment to reflect on one of your close friends.

As you close your eyes and think about them, let your body soften, let your belly be happy. Let your face relax in the way that it does when

you walk outside.  and the sun warms your cheeks.

What do you like about your friend? What does your friend do for you? That makes you feel good?

How do they help you?

Do they go out of their way for you?

Are they generous?

Think about the last time your friend did something for you,

think about how they went out of their way or gave up something to be there for you.

And how kindhearted that is.

Imagine what your life would be like if your friend wasn't

there, if you'd never met them.

And now think again about how rich you feel because you're friends in your life, how much you care about them, how much you appreciate them.

Think about some specifics, think about a friend who helped you study and how they took the time to help you understand maybe took the time from their own studying because they wanted to do it together.

Think about how being with that person makes you enjoy life more

and in your heart, allow yourself to acknowledge how much they mean to you and send them good wishes.

Send them the wish for their own wellbeing and happiness and love. As you

think about your friend, may you be happy? May you always be surrounded by your good friends, may you know, you're appreciated

may you know that you're cared for. And may you know that you have a good friend in me?

And now bring your attention back when

you hear the be we can finish.

Notice how that makes you feel, what appreciation does, how it lifts your heart and lifts your mood and even gives you energy.

So as you're working with your teens, To help them learn how to improve the friendships they have and build new ones, teach them about awareness and acknowledgement and appreciation for the good things that their friends do. Teach them how to reflect on being their own best friend and teach them the art of self-reflection.

So they can keep cultivating the positive qualities of friendship and learning how to be a better friend, know that you're giving them skills for a lifetime. And that they'll also appreciate your own mentorship. Thank you so much. I look forward to sharing more with you next time.

Thank you for listening to the conscious classroom with me, your host, Amy Adelstein for more information and links. Check out the show notes on inner strength foundation dot. And if you enjoy the podcast, leave us a review or subscribe. So you don't miss a single episode. See you next time.